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  • By coming together with other people, and thinking deeply, and reconnecting with what really matters, we can begin to dig a tunnel back to meaningful values.Sympathetic Joy, and Overcoming Addiction to the SelfI hadn’t seen my friend Rachel for nearly three years when she walked into my hotel room in a small town in the American heartland, lay down on the bed, and laughed.When I first moved to New York, Rachel Shubert was one of the first people I bonded with.Rachel was in a marriage that wasn’t working out, for all sorts of reasons.She was trying to build a career for herself, and she was, as it turned out, about to become pregnant with her first child.I was ragged and worn from a series of crises.We bitched about some of the other people in the class.We bitched about our teacher.After her marriage finally Hindenburged, Rachel moved back to the small town she’s from in rural Illinois, and we lost touch for a while.She seemed lighter in spirit, and she was clearly less depressed.I asked her what had happened.Rather than jack up her dose as her doctor advised, she had started thinking a lot about the way she approached life.She explained that after reading widely, she had found some tools that were helping her to live differently, and for which there was some scientific evidence.Rachel had come to realize that she was angry and envious a lot of the time.She was nice, and Rachel had no reason to dislike her.This envy had spread through her life, tugging her mood down every day.It felt like a major cause of her depression and anxiety.Over the years, she tried, alone, to find little tricks that would make her feel better.When she saw someone who had something she envied, she would think of a reason why they in fact sucked.It was, she told me, her unskilled way of trying to reduce envy. This would give her relief, but only for a moment.She thought there was something wrong with her.But as she began to read about envy, she realized that our culture was priming her to feel this way.She had been raised to constantly compete and compare, she said.We’re highly individualistic, she explained, and we’re constantly told that life is a zero sum game.There’s only so many pieces of the pie, so if somebody else has success, or beauty, or whatever, somehow it leaves less for you.It’s like we’ve learned so well from the advertisers over the years, we’re marketing experts ourselves, and now we just know how to curate and market our own lives, without any conscious process.

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